Waiting For Two Pink Lines....

PLEASE FOLLOW ME...

2008-07-09T14:07:00.000-07:00

Please Please Please follow me over to my new Blog!

Please update your links and blogrolls!

My New Blog URL:

http://dressler-family.blogspot.com/

Just for fun, there is a MEME waiting for you at the new blog!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

2008-07-08T19:59:00.001-07:00

Today is my birthday!!

Yippy! Im 23!

It was a relaxing day. I forgot it was even my birthday until around Noon when my Mom told me happy birthday! Haha! .. Then i visited with my mom, went shopping with Mr.D, and then went to dinner with Mr.D. I got lots of calls from family and friends wishing me a happy birthday! I felt very loved!

Other good news:
Mr. D got a new job today! In.... DRUMROLL..... MEMPHIS!!! Our home town!! Whoohoo!!
SO no more traveling for us! We get to get things back to normal in our own home!!! :)

I don't have internet at home (other than on my iphone ) so i can only update at family and friends houses.

HAVE A GREAT WEEK!

PICTURES

2008-07-08T08:53:00.000-07:00

Fireworks show...

Mr. D and I (Someone forgot to focus the camera)
Me & My niece Dayton on the Jetski
Me & My niece Krissie on the tube..

REDECORATING MY BLOG

2008-07-06T20:40:00.000-07:00

We decided to go camping for the 4th of July with my Sis and her family.

We went to Heber Springs, AR and had a blast!!! I'll try to post some pictures later but i'm to exausted right now. Other than a little stormy weather it was a well needed vacation! Mr. D and I brought our Jetskis, and we also rented a boat and went tubing. My neices really enjoyed it! There was also a great Fireworks show on Friday.

Now that i have gotten the hang of this "blogging" thing..(and become slightly obsessed), I have decided to spruce things up a bit. I had a custom layout made (Hilary @ Scrapblogsbyhilary.blogspot.com , did a GREAT job) and I will be moving my blog soon. It will still be through Blogger, just a new URL. I have already set up the layout and some of my Page elements. Does anyone know if it is possible for me to move all of my previous post from this blog over to the new one??

If you would like to go ahead and update your links the new blog url is :

http://dressler-family.blogspot.com/

Hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July and stayed safe!!!

Like my new signature? It matches my new blog site! :)

LIVING, LOVING & LAUGHING

2008-06-30T21:20:00.000-07:00

I love being home!
I'm trying to relax more and enjoy this time.
We have decided to go to Heber Springs, Arkansas with My Sis and her family for the fourth! I cannot wait!! 3 Days on the lake!! I will post pics when we return!! :)

Not much else to report, i'm trying really hard not to think about the "TTC Anniversary".... so far it's going okay.

Here are a few pictures from yet another family birthday party this past weekend. My cousins baby girl turned five! I can hardly believe she is so grown up!

KARLIE 5 YEARS OLD!

ME AND MY NIECE DAYTON!

ME AND BABY EMILY!

"Only those who look with the eyes of children can lose themselves in the object of their wonder." -Eberhard Arnold

IN A FOG

2008-06-25T19:34:00.000-07:00

We have been home for .... uhh... 3 days, yeah that's it!
We have been pretty busy the whole time. Trying to spend as much time with the family as possible. I think all the traveling back and forth and constant "go go going" is getting to me. I feel like im in a fog. I'm having bad headaches on and off..and just seem to be in a funk. It is probably somewhat due to the fact im feeling overwhelmed with stress. Im having trouble adjusting to the craziness of not knowing what comes next. Not knowing where Mr. D will be working next week. Not knowing what state i'm going to be in. Not knowing if our bills will get paid. (haha okay so not so much the last one)... !

Still no internet at home, but i'm trying to post from my MIL's as much as possible!

Today is CD....? Oh heck I don't know! Not sure I care either! ..

I think what i need is a dirty martini, a hot bubble bath, and a good book! Maybe i will take a trip to Barnes & Noble tomorrow...any suggestions??

♥ Mrs. D

HERE WE GO AGAIN

2008-06-23T22:26:00.000-07:00

I only have time for a brief update, but work has slowed down in Kentucky so we are headed home for the week.... hopefully we will get a phone call saying Mr. D has his old job back and we can stay home!!! Im going to do my best to survive without Internet, so bare with me!

And just for fun here is a picture of Me (and Doggie D) with an awesome rock on the side of the highway!

YIPPEE!!

2008-06-22T20:32:00.000-07:00

Alison finally got her BFP! Congratulations Alison, you deserve it!! I wish you a happy and healthy 9 months!!!

TO VACATION OR NOT TO VACATION?

2008-06-21T18:12:00.000-07:00

It has been a pretty mellow few days here. I'm enjoying the new hotel, but still missing home!

We finally received some word from Mr. D's old boss. He sent an email that simply stated..

"I am just getting back in town after 3 days out and will be in next week most of the week and hope I can get you some info in return on a position- many thanks ---"

So i'm keeping my fingers crossed that we will get good news next week! Mr. D and I have been discussing whether or not we should try to keep traveling for one more month, just to add a little more into our savings before the dreaded "decrease in income". I have to honest though, i'm not sure i can handle one more month! That is 4 weeks! The summer will be reaching an end by then! :( ... I suppose i can do it if i have to, but i would much prefer to spend the upcoming days in good ole' Mtown! (Memphis)

We have been debating taking a vacation for quite some time now. We usually try to take one every year. This years options were:

*Disney World with the family (but honestly i felt like going to DW in my "Childless State" would be like mental suicide!)

*The Bahamas for a romantic getaway (our wallet quickly decided that was not an option) or *Gatlinburg Tennessee for a little less expensive romantic getaway. (still going to cost anywhere from $1300-2000)

The Gatlinburg trip was affordable and sounded wonderful, but i can't help but think to myself what all i could buy for $1300! ... We still need to buy a new trailer for our jetskis, build a fence in our backyard, Mr. D wants to build a deck in the backyard, we need a new bedroom suite..and the list goes on and on.

So Gatlinburg Vacation is still up for debate...

What would you do? Go and enjoy yourself, or Spend the money more wisely on household items? Oh and just to make the decision a little harder, here is a pic of the Cabin i was looking into booking. (Yes that is a private hot tub looking over the gorgeous mountains!)

Hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!!!

HALLELUJAH!!!

2008-06-18T22:12:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I would normal wait and just tell this is my post tomorrow...but i'm too happy! We have FINALLY moved hotels! No more hotel hell! It wasn't easy, we had to argue our way out of paying for two hotels. (I figure the least hotel hell can do is refund us one night, assuming we had no air or cold water for 3 nights!) We also had to move 70 miles to a new hotel at 10pm, but it was all worth it! This hotel is sooooo much nicer! Only a few more bucks a night, and has a restaurant, lounge/bar, huge heated outdoor pool, hot tub, sauna, washer/dryer room, not to mention clean decent sized rooms! We don't get phone service in the room and the Internet could be a little faster... but you can't have it all right?! Im satisfied, that is for sure!

I really feel obligated to tell the world... if anyone is staying in the Hazard Kentucky area (lord forbid you actaully have to enter that town for any reason) DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, stay at The Hazard Hotel (Hotel Hell) on Dawahare Dr.!!!!

I must also warn you that although i am a very happy person at this moment, enjoying my new clean hotel room.... Our 2 year TTC anniversary is creeping up on us...I have been dreading this day for many months now! As many of you regular readers probably already know, I am a very emotional person who is usually all over the map with my thoughts...and i sense alot of negativity coming with this anniversary! (July 1st) Just thought i'd warn you! ;)

Im off to bed now! Sweet Dreams!

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY- NEW HAIR CUT!

2008-06-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

WHAT THE "AF" HAPPENED??

2008-06-17T11:17:00.000-07:00

" WHAT THE *sensored*" .... Although the word rarely (if ever) comes from my mouth...it is exactly what i said this morning when i woke to Aunt Flow knocking on my vaginal door!

Yesterday was CD30, which i suppose is in the normal range for me... but i usually get all sorts of pains and annoying signs that she is coming. I do believe she surprised me last month also. Just what i need..things to change just when I'm starting to figure out how my crazy body works. (if that's possible) And of course she makes up for not giving me the early pains, by giving me double within the first hour!!

I must remind myself of a quote from a previous post....
"Every cycle is simply one cycle closer to the cycle that gets me pregnant!"
It is one of the few things that keeps me going. God is in control, i must remember that!

Today is CD1 .... I never thought i would miss the crazy pills (clomid), but there is a part of me that wishes i had some right about now... just so i wouldn't have to go through another pointless Ovulationless cycle!

DELAYED MEME

2008-06-16T11:28:00.000-07:00

SAHW tagged me last week, sorry i'm just getting around to doing it...my very first meme.

The rules of the game get posted at the beginning. Each player answers the questions about themselves. At the end of the post, the player then tags 5-6 people and posts their names, then go to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. What was I doing ten years ago?
Oh my! It was 8th grade i suppose. I was nearly 13 years old. I was spending my days with my "BFF" Amanda. (Not much has changed there) Always outdoors, riding horses or four wheelers. Listening to N*Sync and Britney Spears haha! And of course chasing boys! :) ... Those really were the Good Ole Days!

2. Five things on my to do list for today?
Grrr well i had plenty of things to do while we were home, but now that we are back in Kentucky i don't have much i CAN do.
-Unpack/Hang up clothes.
- Lysol the room! (done)
- Check up on my blogroll!.
- Take maddie for a walk.
- Balance bank account.

3. Snacks I enjoy?
O Dear, there are so many! Pickles, Olives, Fruit & yogurt parfait from McD's, Scrambled eggs, Cheetos, Pound Cake, Raspberry Filled Donuts, Ranch Wheat Thins... the list goes on and on! haha!

4. Things I would do if I were a billionaire?
O now this one i can answer with no problem!! I dream about this very often, haha!!
Im not positive on the order of things but in a brief description i would, Buy land and have my dream house built! Give the family some money! Donate a generous amount to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital. Buy a Range Rover for myself, and a 2500 HD duramax diesel for Mr. D. Fly to LA and NYC and go on a huge shopping spree with Amanda. Pay for Infertility Treatments/Adoption from Russia. :) Wouldn't it be nice!!

5. Places I have lived?
Well basically the answer is the Memphis area, but in more detail...
I was born in Collierville Tn, Moved to Memphis (uptown) Tn, Then to Fisherville Tn (where i consider my hometown). When i met Mr. D we moved into our first apartment in Bartlett Tn, Then to Arlington Tn, Then Cordova Tn, and now finally in Oakland Tn where we plan to stay!! :)

6. People I want to know more about.
Alison
A baby maybe
Maybe one day
Pretty In Pink
Russian Blessings
Jenni

** If your a fan of Jon & Kate + 8 on TLC, a new episode is on tonight! Jon & Kate remember the early years!! :) I cannot wait! It's my favorite show!! **

IS NO NEWS, GOOD NEWS?

2008-06-16T10:29:00.000-07:00

Home was wonderful!! We were able to see our friends and family, and spend well needed time working on the house. :)

Mr. D was supposed to have his Meeting with his previous boss, on Monday. Well... Monday he said he had a surprise inspection and was to busy, Tuesday he said he had alot of paperwork and would call tomorrow. Wednesday he had his secreatery call and say he had to go out of town until Monday (do you see a trend??). Mr. D thinks he may really be busy, but i cannot help but get the feeling he is avoiding the meeting! ....

Unfortunatly we could not afford to take another week off from work while we wait for a phone call, so it's back to Kentucky we went! (We arrived last night) We are hoping we will get a call as soon as possible, but in the mean time we are just trying to make the best of things.

Today is CD30. It doesn't feel that late in my cycle.. but the numbers don't lie. There is no sign of AF yet. I pray every night for the strength and paitence to keep trying. God will bless me with a miracle child one day, i just hope i dont go crazy waiting!

While we were home we worked on our front flower beds, and Mr. D installed a automatic sprinkler system! :) We were so proud! (please excuse the mess, i took these while we were still working)

"I don't want to get up baby, let's turn off the phone. I don't want to go to work today or even put my makeup on. I've got better things to do than my todo list anyway. Hide under the covers and waste away the day. Let's just lay here and be lazy, baby, drive me crazy. All I want to do is love you!!!"

Sugarland's new single "All I want to do"

GO WHERE LIFE TAKES YOU

2008-06-08T13:01:00.000-07:00

First i must apologize i totally forgot about the riddle answer...
ANSWER: CARPET :)

WOW! Life can change in a matter of minutes. Just a few days ago i was blogging about how much i hated the hotel we were in, and how i hoped we would be moving to a new hotel soon... well.. now guess where i am. HOME!!

Mr. D takes X-rays of pipelines in the mountains, for his job. HE has to drive/climb up these mountains with all his equipment...and lately it seems top be getting more and more difficult. The mountains are so steep, they cannot even get the trucks to drive up. A four wheel drive truck with brand new all terrain tires, just spins tires trying to make it up! They have lost numerous trucks that have gotten stuck or tumbled down the mountain. Although no serious injuries have been reported yet, many people have fallen and gotten minor injuries. A few days ago Mr. D's partner fell and slid about 200ft. His jeans were ripped and the skin was torn off his legs and butt! ..... I think that was a wake up call for Mr. D. I think he realized just ho0w easy he could get seriously injured up on those mountains. So he gave his old boss a call, back in Memphis to see if they had any work. He told him to come in and they would talk. So here we are at home. Mr. D's meeting is tomorrow, and if all goes well he will quit the job in Kentucky and begin working back in Memphis.

What does this mean for us, you ask?

Well it means a HUGE pay cut! And it means i will be blogging less, until we get Internet at the house. BUT it also means, we will be HOME again! In our new house (its still new to us because we have owned it 1 year but lived in it 6 months haha). It means i will need to go back to work, which i am kind of excited about, because i miss teaching so much! (Iv been a daycare and sunday school teacher for the past 6 years, prior to traveling). And the best part.... It means i can see an RE sooner than i had originally planned!!! :)

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out as planned, and that we are able to adjust to the pay cut if it does!

I will due my best to keep you posted on what's going on!

I can keep up with my blog reading on my phone, so keep those posts coming!! :)

Much Love ♥ Loren

SAY CHEESE

2008-06-06T18:00:00.001-07:00

Do I have the sweetest husband ever, or what????!

It wasn't very hard to tell, I needed some cheering up these past few days... and after Mr. D's many failed attempts, he has finally done it!

Even though my birthday isn't until July 8th, he surprised me today with an early birthday present!! Iv been complaining about not having a good camera... so here it is... my dream camera..

I couldn't believe he spent 500 bucks on it, but nonetheless im happy!! :)

I love the camera, but i love him even more! The fact that he went to all the trouble of getting me one just to cheer me up, AND so i would have it for the 4th of July.... What a sweetie!!

Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!!!

HOTEL HELL

2008-06-06T09:52:00.000-07:00

I apologize for my absence in blogging, but i promise it was for your own good! I was meerly saving you from all the negativity! ... Iv been trying to fight it, but it looms over me like a dark cloud! I have been a monster these past few days!

Wednesday i called Alltell to pay a past bill i had been putting off... and when the customer service rep told me the bill was twice what i thought it was, i burst into tears! They poor guy didn't know what to do! ... I don't know why i cried, I have the money and paid it just fine. I guess you could say I'm just a little "over-sensitive" lately!

Between the usual "baby-drama", Mr. D having to work late, and this stinky hotel that is falling apart as we speak...I just broke down!

Yesterday i killed a bug the size of Texas in the bathroom!! That is of course after i took the quickest shower of my life in order to avoid freezing to death or getting a concussion from the super powerful water pressure! Not to mention the shower curtain serves no purpose whatsoever and the bathroom floods during my 3 minute shower!! I have tried to be tolerant of these things. I knew when we booked a room here, that it was outdated and well, not sanitary! But then came the breaking point.....
At 2am as Mr. D struggles to get a good nights rest before leaving for work at 5am, i hear hooping and hollering from outside. (I new it was a mistake to accept a room by the pool) .. I figured it was just your usual teens partying at the pool. (which really should not be acceptable on a Wednesday at 2am) So i scramble in the dark to the window to take a look... and i was right, there was a small group of people huddles in the left side of the pool clanking beers together and having a blast...only that wasn't all. Directly in front of my face (to the right side of the pool) were two people....getting it on!! Right there in the pool.. id like to say my eyes were fooling me, but there was no mistaking. Right there merely 6 foot from their "friends" they were giving there own little show! (please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks this is NOT OK)... Needless to say i was disgusted and gave the desk clerk on duty a mouthful! So in conclusion this Sunday we are hoping to move to a new hotel...

It was not a very eventful week for me.. but the weekend is here and i hope to crawl out of my slump! I'll let you know how that goes :)!

And just so you don't feel like you completely waisted 60 seconds of your life by reading this post... Here is a little Riddle for you to ponder...(Ill give the answer in my next post, lets see if any of you can figure it out, without the help of Dr. Google)

What is bought by the yard, and worn by the foot??

SUPPORT HR 2892

2008-06-01T20:03:00.000-07:00

HELP SUPPORT HR 2892 INFERTILITY TREATMENT COVERAGE LEGISLATION

If there is one thing I'm passionate about it's Infertility. I was so unaware of the pain and frustrations that Infertility can cause until i became "Infertile". Millions and Millions (yes i said millions) of women/men suffer from Infertility. The cost of Fertility Treatments is outrageous and in many cases impossible to afford. So why are Health Insurance Companys not acknowledging Infertility?? ........ BEATS ME! What is health insurance good for, if it won't cover ALL medical conditions?

I know that I am not alone... I know that many of you are suffering also. Emotionally AND Financially! So what do you say ladies? Lets see what we can do.........

Here is a petition that has been created to send to Congress in support of HR 2892 , The Family Building Act. All it takes is a quick minute (come on ladies, who doesn't have a quick minute to spare) to sign your name, and make a difference!!

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

T.G.I.F.

2008-05-30T17:47:00.000-07:00

Thank Goodness It's Friday!

I love the weekends! Mr. D (The Hubby) has the weekends off!! :)

Mr. D bought me a Wii, a few days ago! I think it is going to be just what i need to get "back in shape". I'v been complaining so much latley about how yucky i feel from sitting in this hotel with no place to work out or exercise... well I played the Wii for a few hours yesterday and today and my arms are so sore i can hardely move them!! Haha! Me and Mr. D are having a blast playing it together.... Nothing like getting to "Box" your hubby to get your frustrations out! ;) And i'm a huge Tennis fan, so i love playing the Tenis game! I really must give the Wii inventors Kudos...what a nifty idea!!

Well not much else to say...been a pretty laid back few days here in the inferile world i call my life! I'll leave you with a pic i had Mr. D snap a little while ago.....

"I mean honestly...Who needs a baby, when you have a pooch as cute as this one??"

Haha Okay, so I DO!...but she keeps me sane, shes my "baby" for now! (O and this was taken with my Camera Phone, so the colors are a little off!)

I REALLY MUST BRAG..

2008-05-28T22:19:00.000-07:00

Okay so to most this probably will sound extremely absurd... but to me it is a huge deal!

Everyone has their fair share of bad habits...Lord knows i do!

But there is one that i have had since...well, probably since i was in the womb! haha!

BITING MY NAILS...

My whole life i have been known as a Extreme Nail Biter!

Im talking like, down to the quick make them bleed kind of biting!

I get acrylic nails from time to time, but they usually don't last to long...(partially due to the fact i chew on them also) and when they do come of, its like Christmas morning for me...i start the biting!! What little bit of nails that grew under the acrylic are gone within minutes!!

Okay so now for the news...

About 4 weeks ago i got my nails done. I kept the acrylic on for over 3 weeks without chewing on them. (a record in itself) To my surprise when the acrylic came off and the pretty long nails were underneath.... I didn't bite them. It's funny actually because i didn't plan on not biting them...it just happened. After a few hours of seeing these gorgeous long (ok well long to me) nails..i was hooked. I couldn't bring myself to get them near my mouth! So here i am nearly 4 1/2 weeks in, and still have not bitten my nails!! GO ME!!! They are very brittle and growing slowly, but i'm still so proud. I feel as though i am superwoman! If i can quit biting my nails after 22 years, i can do anything!!! :)

Again, to most this won't look like much

but this is the absolute longest my nails

have ever been in my entire life!!

I suppose since this is infact a IF blog.. i will give a brief TTC update.
(not that there is much of one)
Today is CD12
2nd Month since i stoped the Crazy Pills (Clomid)
Not waisting my time trying to predict ovulation.
Praying and Waiting Everyday!
Hopeing to see an RE and take the next step in IF treatment this Fall!

*Saying a special prayer for everyone out there who is wanting a miracle!*

Goodnight!

*LOREN*

FAVORITE THINGS

2008-05-27T12:09:00.000-07:00

I got this from Alison @ (un)complicate me!

A few of my favorite things...

1. WATER- Pool, Lake, Ocean, Bubble Bath...I love them all!

2. FRIED PICKLES- Yumm! Maybe it's a southern thing, but they are the best!

3. BABY POWDER- Not just because I love babies and their sweet smell, but also because when i was a little girl my grandmother used to pat me with baby powder from this little glass jar... She called it "Freshening Up" :)!

4. THE COLOR PINK- What can i say, i'm a girly girl. Pink has always been my fav, and i'm pretty sure it always will be.

5. TOE RINGS- Jewelry always makes a girl feel pretty, but their is somthing about toe rings that just make me feel "extra special" haha!

6. HORSEBACK RIDING- There is no better way to forget you troubles, than to jump on a horse bareback and go for a ride.

7. SMOOCHES- Not just any smooches, but smooches from my husband. I swear to this day when he kisses me my heart melts. Not to mention those smooches are pretty powerful...if i have a headache or a tummy ache, all he has to do is kiss it, and it feels much better! So corny i know, but it is true!! ;)

8. RASBERRY SWEET TEA- Particularly from Sonic. "I'll take a Route 44 Rasberry Sweet Tea Please!"

9. FLEA MARKETS- I'm usually not a "deal getter", so i love going to Flea Market's because you always get a deal NO MATTER WHAT! :) Oh and they have some of the neatest stuff!

10. PENNY SLOTS- Maybe it's luck, maybe it's skill...but i always do good when i play the penny slots! Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!!

There's my top 10 - what's yours??

"BACK TO THE LIFE, AS A TRAVELING WIFE!"

2008-05-26T23:11:00.000-07:00

Well we finished the week off in Memphis with my Niece Dayton's 6th Birthday Party! It was good to see the family. I was hoping to avoid all babies, at all cost...but it is a child's birthday party after all. Most of the children were older, but their were a few babies/toddlers. My mind tells me to steer clear...but my heart is like a magnet to them. My cousin's baby, Emily is now 6 months old, and gosh what a cutie! When i looked in that baby's eyes, i swear to you i saw God, right then and there. Such a little blessing! My cousin lost her husband to a tragic murder late last year. She was only a few months pregnant. It was obvious, her children (her son is 3) keep her going! A blessing in disguise i suppose!

It is so hard to believe that Dayton is 6 years old. She grew so fast! She is really something... Definitely has her Papa's sense of humor :)! She's no baby anymore. Time for a new baby grandchild for Nana & Papa, if you ask me! haha! (Im working real hard to achieve that!)

So with the party, taking my older nieces to the drive-in movie, and a well needed night on the town with my BFF, Amanda... The week at home has come to an end.

We made the drive today, and arrived back in Kentucky around 11pm this evening. Blah!
"Back to the life, as a traveling wife!"...

Here are a few pic's from the Birthday Party:

Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day Weekend!!

SURPRISE VISIT...

2008-05-18T20:15:00.000-07:00

Aunt Flow surprised me today!
She showed up a little earlier than expected.
Usually on a "Anovulatory (No Ovulation) Cycle", my cycle length is around 42-50 days.
On a Ovulatory cycle it is usually around 32-38 days long.
Well this time (and i'm assuming this was a Anovulatory cycle, because i did not take the Clomid) my cycle was 27 days long! .... very short for me.
But whatever, at least another cycle has begun...and thats one cycle closer to the one that gets me pregnant! haha!

Of course the cramps are KILLER! ... I literally feel like my insides are falling out!
O the joys of being an Infertile Woman!

........

We made it to Memphis safe and sound.
Home is just as i remember.... comfy, and relaxing.
We have been going non-stop since we got here, but i think things will slow down a bit now that the weekend is over.
Jacob's Birthday Party (my godson) was great! He was just precious, and growing like a weed!!

Hope everyone had a good weekend.

Love, Lor

WE'RE OFF TO SEE THE WIZARD..

2008-05-15T18:58:00.000-07:00

Well, actually we're off to see the family, but that sounded so much better! haha!

It has been 3 weeks, since we were home last. It doesn't seem like that long, but when you consider the fact we arrived in Memphis about 3am on Saturday and had to leave about 11am on Sunday... it wasn't much of a trip.

This time I will be in Memphis for a WHOLE WEEK! (wow! it doesn't take much to get me excited haha!) We will arrive in Memphis around 1am Saturday. Jon has to return to Kentucky for work on Monday, but will be back in Memphis on Friday... in the meantime I'm going to stay in Memphis and spend some time with the fam!! :)

I imagine I will still find some time to blog, but on the off chance I don't please don't think I have dropped of the face! ;)

I'm hoping this will be a week of "therapy" for me.
Some time to NOT think about my poor pitiful ole self, for a change.

Ok since im not pouring out one of my many emotions in this post, I thought I'd try this for fun.
I snagged this from BecomingADiffrentPerson .

1. Why did you start your blog?

I needed a place to get it all out in the open. In the beginning i never intended on anyone reading it. It was kind of like my diary. As time has gone by i have discovered more and more blogs, which have inspired me to open up a little more. I must admit it is nice to know there are other's out there going through the same struggles as myself.

2. How did you come up with your blog name?

Maybe it's a little cliche, but it just seemed to fit at the moment. My life seems to be a waiting game, and I'm always waiting for two pink lines! I realized one day that i have seen close to a zillion pregnancy tests in my day, but not once have I ever seen a positive one!! Never! Not even a friends or family members. I just hope my first real positive is everything i think it will be! haha!

3. Do your friends and family know about your blog and what do they think?

For the most part, No. My husband knows about it obviously because I'm typing away, but I don't think he has ever read it (not that i would mind). At this point i think i prefer my friends and family not know about it... I'm not sure any of them truly understand what i am going through and would probably think i was just complaining. My sister would understand because she is also suffering from IF (secondary), But for now i think I'll keep it between my online friends!

WHEN i do get pregnant, i plan on starting a new blog which i will share with my friends and family, so they can follow the journey!

4. How do you write posts?

I just click new post and my fingers start clicking away! lol! Sometimes I'm not even sure where it comes from. I read the posts later and think to myself "Did i write that?".
It's all from the heart.

5. Have you ever had a troll or had to delete unkind comments?

Nope everyone has been wonderful and encouraging!

6. Do you check your stats or care how many people read your blog? If so, how do you increase traffic?

I check my comments, that's about it. Im not in competition to get more readers, although it is nice to know I'm not just talking to myself :)!

I MUST EXPLAIN

2008-05-14T10:30:00.001-07:00

I have to say, after reading my post from last night i sound like an "ungrateful brat".

I apologize for that.

I'm really not an unhappy person. I do love my life, and I thank God everyday for all of my many blessings!

But sometimes you just have to let the negativity pour out in order to embrace the positive!

I wish you all lots of STRENGTH, COURAGE, and POSSITIVE THOUGHTS.. to get you through the tough times!!

And remember....

Love -Loren

I WANT TO KNOW WHY!!

2008-05-13T22:07:00.000-07:00

It's late. I can't sleep, as usual. Every time i close my eyes all i see is a beautiful baby in my arms... a baby that does not exist. A baby that i cannot have. A baby that disappears when i open my eyes and all i see is my empty arms!

I hate infertility! Shouldn't 9 months be long enough to wait, once your ready to be a parent?

I cry at night and think WHY ME?

Is it Karma?

I'm not a horrible person, but i haven't always been the best person either.

Maybe God is punishing me!

Deep down, i know that cannot be true, i know God wants me to be a Mommy..

But then WHY? Why me?

These past 2 years were suppose to be the best years of my life. I got married, bought my first house, and became a "woman" in more ways than one. I want to say they have been filled with joy and fun times... but they haven't, they have been filled with pain and sorrow. When my husband holds me in his arms, i should be thinking how complete i feel, but i don't. Instead i think, Why God can't i give him a child of his own? Of our own? Why can't we be a "family".

Infertility has changed me. I wish it hadn't, but it has.

I thought i was stronger than that. Iv been through so much love AND loss in my life... and i got through it all. It wasn't easy but i did. But Infertility consumes me. It controls me. It breaks me!

Four years ago i thought life couldn't get any worse, when my sister died at the age of 26 from a drug addiction. I cried myself to sleep for weeks. Months even. My heart HURT for the first time in my life....but over time, i realized that God was in control. That God had a purpose and a reason for it all. I miss my sister more each and everyday and would give the world to have her back, but i know deep in my soul, that her daughters have a better life because she is gone. They were subject to become just like their mother. A victim of drugs and addiction. Someone had to break the cycle. Someone had to make sure it didn't happen to them one day...and God did that.

My heart aches for a baby, in the same way it aches for my sister.

Why can't i see God's reasoning for Infertility like i could for Angel's death?

Why can't i just know that God is in control and has a purpose. Why?

Stand Still, Look Pretty - The Wreckers

I want to paint my face

and pretend that I am someone else

Sometimes I get so fed up

I don't even wanna look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine

I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time

And I hate the way you look at me I have to say

I wish I could start over

I am slowly falling apart

I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start

And you might think its easy being me

You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking

in the middle of the night

And then it hits me and I can't

even believe this is my life

But people have problems that are worse than mine

I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time

And I wish that everyone would go an shut their mouth

I'm not strong enough to deal with it!

I apologize for such a negative post, but sometime the only way for me to deal is just to pour my heart out! As i'm sure you can tell some days are better than others, and this happened to be a not so good day. -Loren

GIVES ME HOPE

2008-05-12T19:31:00.000-07:00

Hello All!

Just in case, you have not already seen the show "Jon & Kate + 8" on TLC... It is a must see!!!

Lately i find myself avoiding any show that has to do with children (even my all time favorite Bringing Home Baby), but when it comes to "JK + 8" i NEVER miss an episode. The show gives me so much joy and hope. This couple suffered from Infertility and now they have EIGHT kids! Very adorable smart well behaved kids at that! Jon & Kate remind me so much of myself and my husband! They are so real on the show, and you can tell! I have learned so many things about how to be a good parent, from Kate. She makes sure her children experience anything and everything!

So if you haven't already checked it out, you really must do so!! New episodes Monday Nights at 9/8c on TLC!

And for the record i know all their names and can tell them apart! ;)
Kate, Jon, Mady, Cara, Aaden, Joel, Collin, Hannah, Leah, & Alexis!

Im not gonna start wishing for 6 kids at once haha, but i do hope one day i have a big loving family full of sweet children like these!!

Hope everyone had a good day!

MINE FIELD OF EMOTIONAL BOMBS!

2008-05-11T12:23:00.000-07:00

So here it is, the day i dread! A day that is suppose to be full of happiness and joy...but for me it is filled with emptiness and sorrow! Last year i told myself "this is the last mother's day before you become a mother", little did i know.. Im still not a mother.

My super sweet DH sent me a message that said "Happy Mother's Day, Your going to be a great mother very soon!" ... I should have smiled ear to ear and gave him a big thank you kiss..

BUT DID I? NO! ...

Insetad I burst into tears like someone had hit me in the head with a lousville slugger!

I know he meant well, and it means so much to me that he has so much faith! He is such a wonderful husband and is going to be a great father one day! .... I just wish that day was now!

So my day has consisted of staying in my pajamas and sulking. The one thing i'm quite good at these days!!

Anyways on another note:
I called my Mom to wish her a very Happy Mother's Day and see if she got the chocolates i sent her. (She did, and she loved them) ...and she told me the sweetest story.

(In order to understand you will need a quick recap of my family:

In April of 2004, My oldest sister Angel, lost her battle with a drug addiction. She died leaving behind her precious daughters, Kasey & Kristin, whom at the time where 9 & 10. There father had not been in the picture since they were tiny babies, and their step-father decided it would be easier to just forget about them (A**hole)! My mother being 48 at the time, did not think twice before taking them in as her own. (even when I, the youngest, had just left home and she was free to travel with my dad or take vacations...or all those fun things parents do when all there birds leave the nest!) It was very difficult at first... but over time the family grew stronger and closer! Now.... 4 years later --My wonderful teenage (yes TEENage) neices have grown to truly understand the scarafices my mother & father have made for them! They have provided them with a life they never could have imagined 4 years ago. They are thriving in school and have more friends than i have had in all my 22 years put together! haha! )

So when i asked my mother what "The Girls" (as we call them) got her for Mother's Day i was very touched when she told me how they made her a Huge Mother's day card out of poster boards and they each attached a tear jerking note inside. She did not read me the notes to me but said they basically said "If we could have choosen a second mother to have it would have been you, we love you and are so very grateful!" .... You could tell she was touched by this! I am so very proud of the young ladies they are becoming!

Kristin Lynn (Left) Age 13 -- Kasey Dawn (Right) Age 14

..Back to sulking i go. Love, Lor

I CAN'T GET AWAY!!

2008-05-10T19:15:00.000-07:00

I love babies, trust me I do!

BUT! They are haunting me!

Everywhere i go im surrounded by babies and children. They should call Wall mart, "Family Mart"! Lately the only place i can get away from them is in my hotel room (aka my cage)... UNTIL yesterday... our new "neighbors" moved in to the room next door and what do ya know..they have a small baby! All it does is cry!! It makes me want to cry with it! I just wanted to go next door and say "excuse me can i comfort your baby"! lol! I just wanted to hold it and tell it its gonna be okay. The cries are breaking my heart!!

I feel helpless.
I will never stop "trying" to conceive a baby on my own... but i feel as if it is a waste of my time. I do not ovulate without medication, therefore cannot get pregnant on my own. (i'm no doctor, but thats my diagnosis lol)

Me and Jon have a plan to save money, and prepare ourselves as much as we can for a baby so we will be ready when God finally blesses us...
We have already painted the Nursery pink, in hopes of a girl, and if it does end up being a boy Jon has said he doesn't mind repainting it. And I've been looking into buying a crib, changing table, and dresser... because that is going to be the same whether its a boy or girl.

Most people say you shouldn't buy furniture or baby items before you get pregnant because it will just make it to difficult to have the nursery with no baby, but in my case i already see that room as a nursery. It was a nursery for the previous owners and from the day we moved in we have called it the nursery. The only furniture that has ever entered that room is an old rocking chair we have with a stuffed animal sitting in it. So i think the preparations will be good, one way or another we will have a baby someday..that is a fact!!

Well tommorow is the dreaded Mother's Day. A day to celebrate all the women i wish i could be!
I don't even get to see my Mom on mother's day because i am stuck in the place they call a town! (trust me its not much of one!)

"My heart cries out, “Why, O God, will You not answer this prayer? Why will You not do this simple thing for me and for Your own name’s sake? You do it for so many so easily. Your marvelous grace. Why not to me?” With thoughts like these, it is easy to fall into deep despair, and at times I certainly do. When this happens, God in His time and His various graceful ways, comes to me to remind me that I am not alone."
Taken from True Women by Susan Hunt, (c)1997

I WANNA GO HOME

2008-05-08T18:27:00.000-07:00

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I wanna go home

Another airplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home

(Some peices of Blake Shelton's -Home)

Okay Okay... so i swore it wouldn't happen. I said i was a tough cookie and i could handle it.
BUT I WANNA GO HOME!!!

Its been over 6 months and i miss it more than i ever thought i could! This traveling thing isn't all its cut out to be. I know im lucky to have this opportunity, but gosh it is hard!! I miss my family and my friends.. Myspace is great to keep in touch, but it's not the same! I miss some of the stupidest little things, such as doing laundry in my own washer and dryer, or grocery shopping for more food than what will fit in a 3 foot high refrigerator! Or stepping out of the shower and not having to immediately put slippers on because im scared of the nasty hotel floors.
Basically...i just miss my life!

I am counting down the days until the 16th (of May) when i get to go home for a full week!! Whoohoo! So far in that week i have Jacob's (my godson) first birthday party, Dayton's (my niece) 6th birthday party, and Kasey Dawn's (my niece) 8th grade graduation to attend. Im also going to try to go to an orthopedic for my shoulder, and take Maddie to the vet to get spayed. So add all that to the usual family get togethers and spending time at home, and my week is booked!

I have a slight confession to make. I have been doing so good about not tracking my CD's....but i caved! I don't know exactly what day im on as of this moment, but i know im somewhere in the 15-20 day range. What can i say? I'm an addict!!

"There's No Place Like Home, There's No Place Like Home, There's No Place Like Home"

DON'T MAGNIFY YOUR PROBLEMS

2008-05-06T22:04:00.000-07:00

"DON'T MAGNIFY YOUR PROBLEMS, MAGNIFY YOUR GOD!

THE BIGGER WE MAKE GOD ,

THE SMALLER OUR PROBLEMS WILL BECOME..

THE MORE FAITH WILL RISE IN OUR HEARTS!"

-Joel Osteen

Heavenly Father I know you are in control of my destiny. I know you have a plan and a purpose for my life. I pray that you help guide me each and everyday so that I may achieve my purpose on this earth! I thank you for all of the many blessings I have. I thank you for the air I breath, and the love I recieve. I thank you for being my father and my creator and I praise you! In Jesus Name I Pray, Amen!

When the days get hard and i begin to lose strength and hope, i turn to God. I may be an impatient woman, but that is the way God made me, so im going to embrace it! I know in my heart that God is in control and he will bless me and jon with a baby when the time is right. In the meantime i'm going to enjoy the many blessings i have, and continue to praise God and pray for a miracle baby! :) By the way if your not familiar with Joel Osteen i suggest checking him out! His sermons are truly life changing! You can visit his website at JoelOsteen.com

Hope everyone has a great day tommorow! Dont forget to thank the Lord for all your blessings!

THATS THE WORD I'V BEEN LOOKING FOR

2008-05-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

NUMB

For days now i'v been struggling to find the right word to describe this new "feeling" i have... and today while in the grocery store it hit me! When my DH starting pointing out all the babies and pregnant women BEFORE i did, i knew somthing was seriously wrong!
I am numb to it all!
I dont even have the energy to feel the pain anymore... The pain is still there, no doubt, but it is diffrent. Its as if i was stuck inside a bad dream... I reached up and wiped away a single tear from my face...a tear i didn't even feel run down my cheek, somehow i just knew it was there. I feel my DH changing. I think he is losing hope that it will ever happen for us. I don't blame him. There are days when i struggle emensly to find a teeny tiny grain of hope inside myself.

"You can't knock me off my feet, when i'm already on my knees!"

Lord please hear my prayer. Bless me with the strength and faith to keep trying. Help me to not lose sight of your wonderful blessings. I do not wish to change your plan, i just wish to understand it. In Jesus name. Amen

101 THINGS TO DO IN 1001 DAYS

2008-05-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

Ahh just what i need .. some goals in my life other than the everending TTC goal!
I saw a list on another womans blog and was quite intriqued!

Basically the mission is to SET & COMPLETE 101 realistic goals and challenges to complete in 1001 days. (Aprox. 2.75 years)! If you want to learn more check it out here...
http://www.triplux.com/dayzero/default.asp

I think i will call my list... "Becoming A Better Me"
My official start date will be Today, May 4th 2008!
My offiicial Deadline will be January 30th 2011!

You can see my list to the right of my blog! :)

FAKING IT

2008-05-04T17:27:00.001-07:00

I have to confess...

Although my life is very good and i am blessed in so many ways.. sometimes i feel as though im faking all the happiness. How can i possibly be happy when all i want in this world is the one thing i can't seem to have?! I just want a baby like everybody else!! As long as i have been TTC i have never been one of those women who couldnt stand to look at babies...or who avoided the baby section at walmart.. i was always the exact opposite actually. I ran to the baby section...i loved looking at all the stuff and picking out things as if i was pregnant... i loved staring at other peoples precious little babies and thinking "that will be me someday"......

BUT....

I am officially becoming one of those other women! Not by choice... but it seems unpreventable. When shopping for my Godson a birthday outfit in Baby Gap yesterday i felt like i was going to have a panic attack! I just wanted to get in and get out! It was painful to look at all the precious clothes, and not to mention the parents shopping with their babies. My 2 year TTC aniversary will be here before i know it and im not sure i can bare it!! This TTC shit is getting old!!! Im sick to death of being the childless woman!!!

Officially TTC a 2009 Miracle Baby!!

**FYI** I'm still not counting my CD's!!! :)

THANK GOD EVEN CRAZY DREAMS COME TRUE!

2008-05-03T21:01:00.001-07:00

AHHHH A GOOD DAY! :)

After a week of being cooped up in this hotel room (other than my thrilling walmart trip) i finally got to get out!!! YAY!!!

A overlook of my day:

5am- Woke up, to excited to enjoy the day with my hubby & do some normal things. (very sad i know)

6am- Shower & begin waking up the hubby.

7am- Dry Hair, makeup, take the dog out...continue trying to get the hubby up

7:30am- Finally got the hubby up :)

8am- Leave Hazard (aka Hell) and head to Lexington (aka the most gorgeous city ever!)

10am- Arrive in Lexington, Drop Maddie (my dog) off at Daycare

11am- Lunch with my hubby at Olive Garden :) YUMMY SALAD!

12pm- SHOPPING! WHOOHOOO! (Its been to dang long!)

2pm- Cruise the city ..enjoy the sights

3pm- Pick up Maddie from daycare, head back to Hazard

5pm- Arrive back at the Hotel

7pm- Order room service to enjoy with my hunny! :)

Spend the rest of the day in his arms!!!! Currently curled up in bed with him. (Im on the laptop, he is watching the History channel...we are both content lol) O and Maddie is passed out in between us! HaHa, she had an eventful day!!

OK SO...
There wasn't anything outrageously interesting..but for me it was the perfect day! There is nothing i enjoy more than spending the day with my hubby! It is days like this that make me love him so very much!

....................

Still not counting my CD's!! ( and i must say i am very proud of myself )

WE LAUGHED UNTIL WE CRIED

2008-04-29T13:56:00.000-07:00

"Just the other night the baby was crying,
so I got out of bed rocked her awhile and I held her tight,
and I told her it would be all right.
My mind went back to a few years ago,
we tried so long, we almost gave up hope
and I remember you coming in and telling me the news.
Oh man we were living, going crazy in the kitchen.
We danced and screamed and held each other tight.
We laughed until we cried."
-Jason Aldean "Laughed Until We Cried"

Everytime i hear that song...i close my eyes and try to picture Me and Jon standing in the kitchen, laughing, crying and holding a pregnancy test!

KEEP YOUR COMMENTS TO YOURSELF

2008-04-29T12:59:00.000-07:00

Im sorry but i really need to vent!
I got a message today from a "so called" friend of mine...
She basically said...

"Are you sure yall are doing it right, because you sure are taking awhile to get pregnant!"
I swear i wanted to rip her head off when i read it!! You have got to be kidding me?! Doing it right? YES WE ARE DOING IT RIGHT!!! Last time i checked there are'nt to many ways to "do it" wrong! Ignorant people just piss me off! Its one thing if you dont undersand Infertility and all that it intails... but please refrain from making rude stupid comments to me!!

Some peope just don't get it! It doesn't matter how many times we "do it right". We suffer from Infertility!!! In case you dont already know... your Jr. High Sex Ed teacher LIED TO YOU!!! Its not that easy to get pregnant!!!

Its hard enough watching everyone around me get pregnant and have precious babies... the last thing i need is you questioning my ability to have sex!!

And for all my girls out there who know how it feels... God Bless You!!

Ok i feel better. Thanks.

ONE DAY CLOSER TO WHO I WANNA BE

2008-04-28T14:07:00.000-07:00

Well so far so good on "not thinking about ttc".

Im not counting my CD's. Just simply wrote down CD1 and thats it!

Im trying to convince myself i have plenty of time to get pregnant and there is no rush....

TRYING being the key word in that sentance!

On a good note,

Me and Jon found some WONDERFUL land that we love! It is in my dream area of Oakland & Eads. There are two lots, both 5 acres. One in front of the other. It would be perfect for us to buy one lot and my parents to buy the other! .... If all worked out, we would buy the land and build a Barn Apartment to live in temporarilly until we saved enough money to build our dream house. I know a Barn/Apartment doesnt sound very appealing...but it is actually quite nice. Then when we get our house built, we will already have a barn for horses and a apartment for guests! Im going to post some pics of the land, and a barn apartment! :)

Have a great day!!

SHARING MY DAYDREAMS

2008-04-24T13:51:00.000-07:00

If i got paid to daydream...i would be a billionare!!! I spend so much of my day dreaming about the future! Im happy with my life as it is, but i cannot wait for it to get even better! I dream about buying land and building my dream house! Having a precious baby of my own. I dream about my shower and decorating a nursery... Thought id share some of my dreams...

I want at least 5 acres...room to run around, maybe some horses... this is my dream house, i hope jon is going to build us one day:

It is so perfect! 4 bedrooms. 3 1/2 baths. Play room. Big porch on front and back. Ahhhh i can see myself there! :)

This is what i want to decorate my "baby's bathroom" in: (if you dont already know im Potterybarn obsessed!)

Ohhh and my bedroom: Somthing like this... brown and white with brown zebra accents :)

But for now this is my reality and im satisfied with that....

My home sweet home....

Me and my love!......

Yep, we finally got rid of the Lettace Alone Green... Can you tell we are hoping for a girl????

REMEMBER:

" IF YOU NEVER HAVE A DREAM, YOU WILL NEVER HAVE A DREAM COME TRUE!"

TAKING IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL

2008-04-23T21:31:00.000-07:00

Iv decided to take my "Blogging" to the next level! Iv really enjoyed expressing my feelings in this blog, but iv noticed i spend 90% of my time posting negative thoughts. Maybe that is because 90% of my head is filled with negative thoughts, but nevertheless... Im going to start blogging a little more. Im going to include things involved in my everyday life, yet keep my blog focus on TTC. Iv been surfing the web today and looking for other "Infertility Blogs" to read... I thought it would make me feel less alone and helpless. I WAS WRONG!! Majority of the TTC blogs that i found had recently either became pregnant or given birth! GRRR!! Happy news for them, Sad news for me! The other cluster of blogs i found were of women who had been trying to conceive for years and years and years, with many attempts at many diffrent FAM options! That only scares me more!!!! It has been nearly 2 years and i am FED UP! I cannot even let the thought cross my mind, that i might reach the 3 year point, or the 4 year point...or O GOD, the 5 year point!! No way! I refuse to be one of them!! I dont like being one of who i am (2 years still trying)! So anyways.. maybe i will find some blogs out there similar to mine someday! Until then ill just write to write! :)

It has now been 6 months since Jon and I started traveling! In October 2007 we both quit our jobs and started traveling to find better work for jon! The money is good, but it is so hard to be away from home!! Not to mention the traveling makes TTC even more difficult! So far we have been to
-Nebraska
-Wyoming (the worst!!)
-West Virginia
-Kentucky
-Virginia
I cannot wait until we have a decent amount of savings and can return to a normal life. I miss our new house...that is sitting empty!! I miss my kitty cats, and my family and friends!! I hope we will stop traveling and go back home for good around September or October. Im not sure i can handle it for much longer than that!

Enough for tonight, the hubby is done with paperwork...time to give him smooooches!! :)

22 MONTHS, 5 ROUNDS CLOMID = NO BABY!

2008-04-22T13:04:00.000-07:00

I missed my progesterone blood test, so i cannot say 100% that i ovulated. Although because AF came as predicted on CD32 and was very "normal" with little to no pain, i feel confident in saying that i did ovulate. BUT... still no baby! My biggest fear is that i am not the only problem. Maybe there is more working against us than i initially thought. :(

I am done with the Clomid. I do not feel it is worth the time, money, pain and frustration to take something that is clearly not working for me. My plan now is to enjoy my summer. Try to relax and get myself back on track. Im going to try to schedule an appointment with Fertility Associates of Memphis, when i go home to visit next month. I hope with this appointment, i can discuss IUI with my RE. If he/she says this is an option, i hope to prepare and try our first IUI around August or September. Traveling of course makes all of this extremely difficult. It seems like we are never on one city for more than a week at a time. So IUI cannot be an option until we will be in Memphis for an extended period of time. :(

I am going to work on keeping my hopes up, praying and relying on God, and enjoying this time i have with my husband.

Today is CD3. ALSO KNOWN AS: ***April 22nd 2008*** :)!

TEENSY TINY LITTLE BIT OF HOPE

2008-04-15T19:09:00.000-07:00

I have no baby symtoms whatsoever. Plenty of baby fever symtoms though. HaHa!
In the past 100mg of Clomid would make me a lunatic, but it seems like this round wasn't that bad. I missed my 21 day progesterone appointment. So i will not know for sure if i ovulated. Although i am usually able to tell by the type of cycle i have. Nothing to do but wait and see...
Im trying to let go, and get my life back to normal. I try not to dream about a baby and a nursery and a baby shower...but i cannot help it! Taking a break from trying to conceive is harder than it seems!! My precious Godson is turning a year old next month. It is so hard to believe! It seems like just yesterday my best friend told me she was pregnant and i was so thrilled thinking i would be pregnant anyday and we would have our babies together... now here we are 20 months later and im still trying! It gets harder every day.

Today is CD27.
If I ovulated i expect AF around CD32-35
If I did not ovulate i expect AF around CD42-48
But like I said nothing to do but wait and see....

CANT STOP THE TEARS

2008-04-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

Im having one of those nights.
It seems like people around me just keeping popping out kids like its nothing.
Why can't that be me? I know God put the desire to be a mother, in my heart.
So why doesn't he fullfill that desire? I just don't understand.
I have decided to stop pursueing fertility treatments, because i just can't handle it anymore.
I am emotionally exausted! I don't want to give up, but i feel like im getting no where.
I know my life will not be complete without a baby of my own, but at this point i think i just have to leave it up to God. Maybe in a few months i will reconsider seeing a fertility specialist. In the meantime im just going to keep preparing myself to be the best mother i can be, and hope God brings my dream to me soon!!

"Lord please make me a Mother."

Today is CD? ... I don't even know what CD it is. I dont have the energy to keep up with it anymore! Im going back to living my life in Months and Days...not Cycle Days!

1 YEAR, 8 MONTHS, 3 WEEKS & 4 DAYS..AND COUNTING!

2008-03-26T22:06:00.000-07:00

I started 100mg of Clomid Yesterday. In the past i have secretly enjoyed taking the meds, because i know that they increase my chances of having a baby.... but this time... i just dont feel it. Maybe its the hot flashes and killer heart burn, but im just ready for this to be over. I wanna be normal again.

Some dream of big houses
Or shiny new cars,
Ours is to someday Hold a baby that's ours.
Some dream of more money
To hoard and to keep,
Mine is to someday
Rock my baby to sleep.
Some dream of careers
In buildings so tall,
His is to someday
Toss his kid a baseball.
Some dream of great power
To be strong and tough,
Ours is to someday
Have a child to love.
Some dream of things
Such as silver and gold
Ours is of the day
Our child we'll hold.

Today is CD6.

TTC for 1 year, 8 months, 3 weeks & 4 days.

I'V SEEN BETTER DAYS

2008-03-20T19:13:00.000-07:00

She's baaack!
Yep, Aunt Flow is in town as usual.

I have known since seeing my GYNO many months ago, that i do not ovulate on my own... but today i took the time to read a little more into "anovulation" (no ovulation during your cycle).
I learned that if you do not ovulate, you do not have a period. Yes, you can bleed...but its not an actual period. What happens is your uterine lining builds up until it eventually has to shed...which explains why i have completely normal cycles when i ovulate, and completely hellacious (is that a word?! well, it is now) cycles when i do not ovulate.
Today i feel like my insides are turning inside out, and then falling out my "you know what".
The cramps are horrendous. The bleeding is...well...lets just say not pretty! And im just ready to scream!!!!

Of course to top it all off, im having reoccurring infections with my tonsils and throat, but cannot afford to pay the arm and leg the doctors want for the surgery i need. AND my nerve problems in my shoulder are progressively getting worse. Its all a chain reaction. No ovulation causes severe cramping, which causes sever stress, which causes my nerve in my shoulder to act up, which causes severe pain! How on earth can i be 22 and falling apart, physically?!!

Im fed up!
Im calling in my Clomid prescription tomorrow, and mark my words if these darn crazy pills dont work this month i am threw with them!!

I just want a baby like everyone else...is that so much to ask??
I can't even remember what normal feels like.
I have been walking on a fine wire for months now, and havent fallen yet...but i tell you what some days i just want to jump off!!

Month 20 in the TTC journey.

Today is CD1

NEVER GOOD NEWS

2008-03-10T20:21:00.001-07:00

Well progesterone levels came back at 2.9!
I know i say it every month...but im just not sure how much longer i can take this!!
50mg of Clomid and still NO OVULATION!

Doctor wants me to try 100mg with the next cycle...i will, but in the meantime i'm going to look into seeing a specialist!

(and start looking in the couch for more change lol, ill take all i can get)

Today is CD26 , Just sitting back and waiting for stupid ole aunt flow!!

EMPTY ARMS..

2008-02-26T21:09:00.000-08:00

You may not have been conceived yet, but we can't wait to meet you.
We know God will bless us with a miracle soon.
You are so wanted, and will be so loved.

We both have hope it is going to happen soon!!

Today is CD13.

"Were gonna make a baby tonight ;) "

DREAMING OF BABY...

2008-02-23T13:19:00.000-08:00

Well i have been a little absent from blogging these last few days, so here is an update:

CD1 (Feb 14th): AF Started
CD5-9 : Clomid 50mg

Today is CD10.
I plan on BDing on days 9,11,13,15,17,19,21 ...just to be on the safe side.
And im going to use my preseed packets on days 11,13,15,17,19,21.
Unfotunatly my stupid OPK didnt cooperate with me this cycle, so im not using it.
I will have bloodwork done on CD21 (March5) to check my progesterone level.
I pray it is high!!!!

.....................
This is unrelated to TTC, but i really must brag:
My wonderful husband bought me an iphone for Valentines Day!!
I looove it so much! Its like having my laptop with me at all times!
It even has a pretty pink glitter case.
Anyways, It cheered me up!
.....................

Things I am tired of:
TTC
OPKS
WYOMING
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES
SPAM
O YEA...AND...TTC!

Thanks be unto God for His wonderful gift: Jesus Christ, the only begotten Son of God is the object of our faith; the only faith that saves is faith in Him.

Today is CD10.
Come on Eggies!!!
Swim little Swimmies!!!
Lets make a baby this time!!!

GOD IN HEAVEN HEAR MY PRAYER....

2008-02-15T19:08:00.000-08:00

Well its month 19....
AF came yesterday....
Maybe JUST Maybe, I will finally get my BFP!

"God in heaven hear my prayer, keep me in thy loving care.
Be my guide in all I do, Bless all those who love me too. Amen"

Today is CD2

PHYSICAL & EMOTIONAL PREPERATIONS

2008-02-09T20:33:00.000-08:00

Well another month has gone by in our TTC journey, and i am more determined than ever!
Im trying to take a diffrent approach at things. I am spending alot of time "staying possitive". I am keeping my faith in God and saying lots of prayers. I have been trying really hard to prepare for this upcoming cycle, both physically and emotional. I recieved the Pre-Seed packets that i ordered today! As well as a few extra HPTs. (You can never have to many right?!) Iv been doing really good on my Caffine Strike! I slip up every now and then, but a few here and there won't hurt! I also visited the local drug store and Im now taking 800mcg of Folic Acid every night. I purchased 1000mg Vitamin C for Jon, and he has been taking those once a night! We have both been eating healthier also. I like to take time to myslef to listening to Joel Osteens Podcast. He is a pastor at Lakewood Church in Texas and had INCREDIBLE sermons! His words really inspire me to keep fighting!! So hopefully this next cycle will be the lucky one....

Today is CD26.
No OPKs, No BBT, No Planned BD...Just Relaxing and Preparing.
And of course partaking in some unplanned BD. ;)

CHECK IT OUT:
JoelOsteen.com OR Joel Osteen on ITunes for FREE INSPIRATIONAL PODCASTS!

GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO WAIT

2008-01-27T19:21:00.000-08:00

Gosh...i hope so!

It has been 1 year, 6 months, 3 weeks, & 5 days since we started trying for a baby!
Not much to say other than..It hasn't happened yet!

Today is CD13.

Hubby says were gonna BD tonight! ;)

TWINS WATER FUEL TANK..

2008-01-23T23:13:00.000-08:00

I had yet another friend, announce to me she's pregnant! I won't lie...i was almost angry! To make matters worse, she is having twins!! Here i am, trying my hardest to conceive one miracle, and others are being blessed with two!
I dont mean to sound so full of hate, it is just really hard to hear about others getting pregnant. I want that to be me sooo bad i cannot stand it!! It would be diffrent if it were someone i spoke to on a regular basis, and myabe they were trying to get pregnant....but this person has not spoken to me in almost a year, and now she sends me a myspace message just to tell me "Guess what, im pregnant with twins!"..... Lucky....thats all i can say...she doesn't know how Lucky she is!

Its been a rough week for me and Jon. Things have NOT been going our way lately! On Monday we found out that Our precious darling cats, that we left at home while we are in wyoming, decided to turn the faucet on in my bathroom....IT FLOODED our house!!! Its gonna cost us thousands to take care of the damage! ....Then just when we think things can not get much worse... Jon's truck breaks down! Yep! Today at work. He is pretty sure it is the Fuel Tank. Which is going to cost us another 300-400 dollars! ... I was going to send in our down payment for health insurance this week, but it looks like that is going to have to be put on hold. Yet again! Which causes a chain reaction, Now my doctors appointment with an RE will be put on hold, which makes TTCing being put on hold, which makes me being a Mommy being put on hold!!
GRRR! Makes ya wonder about bad karma, huh!?

"Lord please give me strength & patience!" ... I could really use some right about now!

Today is CD10 - Second Cycle with No Meds. First Cycle "Not Trying"!

ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, I WILL BE A MOTHER

2008-01-20T01:06:00.000-08:00

I feel content.
Sad, but content.
I know that i will be a mother one day, im just so impatient! Why on earth God makes someone as impatient as me have problems conceiving i will never know! My plan for the future is to set aside a "Baby Savings". By doing this i hope to acheive one out of two things. One would be, pay for high dollar fertility treatments, such as IVF & IUI. Or two would be to be able to afford to Adopt Internationally from Russia. I figure i dont have to decided which one i want to do right now, i just have to focus on saving money!

Cycle Update: I am not taking Clomid this month. Due to still having no Insurance, im going to wait. Im gonna focus on relaxing, and taking my vitamens and eating healthy! No OPK, No Charting. No Obsessing. OK well maybe a little bit of Obsessing.

I saw this quote on an Adoption Blog and just loved it, so i thought i would share:
"If you never have a dream, you will never have a dream come true!"

Today is CD6- Aunt Flow left yesterday! Boy am i glad i don't have to see her again for awhile!

CYCLE DAY UNO!

2008-01-15T15:34:00.000-08:00

Well after a teensy bit of spotting yesterday, AF finally decided to show up Today!
Its a little bitter sweet. Im glad she finally showed, but im ready to be pregnant for goodness sake!!!
Since we still dont have health insurance (since Jon switched jobs) i have not decided if im going to call in my Clomid prescription or not. The prescription itself isn't to exspensive, but the blood work on day 21 is! So ill let you know what i decide.

This month's plan:
Take prenatals
Think possitive
Say lots of prayers!
Use OPK
Chart BBT
and last but not least... LOTS of BDing!!!

Today is CD1.
Last cycle length was 38 days!

STUBBORN OLE' AUNT FLOW!

2008-01-12T20:46:00.000-08:00

It seems like when i don't want her around she always shows up, but when shes actually welcome to drop in, she refuses to come!!!!!

Im pretty possitive im not Prego, yet nooo AF!

I actually want her to hurry up and come for a change, because i cant continue with TTC until she arrives!!

AUNT FLOW I DEMAND YOU START BEHAVING!!!
(haha who am i kidding, she wont listen, its her lifes mission to make me miserable!)

Today is CD36 - longest cycle i have had in a long time!!
Its like the energizer bunny, it just keeps going, and going, and going, and going....

YET ANOTHER BFN!

2008-01-11T16:17:00.000-08:00

Well i took an HPT this morning. Another BFN!
Soo.... still waiting on Aunt Flow!

Feeling Yucky Today!

Today is CD35!

NO PREGO SYMPTOMS, NO AUNT FLOW?!

2008-01-10T22:40:00.000-08:00

Well its late at night, and im sitting here pondering the thought of it officially being CD35 in less than 20 minutes!

This is the worst part about TTC ya know?!
You wait all month, convincing yourself, your not gonna get your hopes up. Then AF decides to be late, and you just can't help but wonder.
I can't contain myself from checking online to see what my due date would be, or going over my favorite baby names in my head just one more time.

I hate Aunt Flow. She ruins everything. I should be excited at the thought of possibly being pregnant. Instead im so terrified of not being pregnant, and being let down YET AGAIN. I can't even take a darn HPT because im too scared of seeing a BFN!
Ya know, iv never a actually seen a BFP. No seriously, never! I mean iv seen pictures online and stuff, but iv never seen a real positive test in person.

At this moment i find myself sitting very still, just waiting for any tiny little sign of pregnancy. No tender breasts. No Nausea. No Fatigue. YET... No cramps, and No Aunt Flow.
Just seems so odd to me. Aunt Flow ALWAYS sends her little friends the Cramps to me, at least a few days before her arrival. Hmmmm.....
Ya know whats worse than not being pregnant? Not knowing if your pregnant.
Its the waiting, and the wondering! I cant take it!!! If my wonderful DH wasn't sleeping soundly next to me, i would scream right now!!
Anyways....

Today is officially CD35!

COULD IT BE???

2008-01-10T17:02:00.000-08:00

Well....
CD34 and still no sign of AF!
I must admit, my mind is begining to flood with good thoughts.
Could it be? Could i finally get my BFP, while on a break???
After 18 months, i feel as though i am trained to expect a BFN!
I do not know how to respond to the possibility of finally getting pregnant.
I think i will seriously faint, the day i see the possitive HPT!

Im still scared to take a test. Maybe tommorow.

By the way...
What is the deal with all the celebrity pregnancys?? They are haunting me!!
If its not Jennifer Lopez or Nicole Richie, its Jamie Lynn Spears.... Why is it that the people in this world that actually could afford fertility treatments if they needed it, have no problem getting pregnant???
Just a thought!

P.S. Madeline, my new puppy, is doing great! Shes sucha a sweetie! Already a part of the family...although somehow she is a daddy's girl, even though shes suppose to be MY puppy... go figure!!!

Today is CD34. No AF. No Cramps. Will consider taking a HPT tommorow.

CD33 AF RUNNING LATE??!

2008-01-09T15:58:00.000-08:00

Well, today is CD33 and still no sign of AF. On a usual basis, i get cramps at least within 3 days before AF comes. So far no cramps. I imagine things are a little outta wack, since i didn't take the Clomid this month. My periods were so irregular before starting Clomid. Since iv been on Clomid they have been between 30-32 days. Sooo.... I suppose shes just running late.

I dont feel the need to waste my money nor time taking a HPT just to see a BIG FAT NEGATIVE staring back at me!

Im going to start taking Prenatals today. I also started charting a few days ago. Its going well.
OOO yes and my big news..... I have cut CAFFINE out!!! I must admit i miss it so! It was my one guilty pleasure! I havent had a coke in dayyyyys. I have been drinking lots of milk and juice. I even get HI C at fast food places instead of dr pepper.
Sooo as you can see, im trying to make any changes neccesary to get my BFP in 2008!!!!

Today is CD33.

GONNA MAKE AF LATE IN 08'!

2008-01-07T18:18:00.000-08:00

Here's to increasing the birthrate in 2008!!

Well after a month of taking a break for the holidays, im ready to start fighting again!
My New Years resolution this year is to kick INFERTILITYS BUTT!

I have decided to start charting. Its something I have considered in the past, but didn't understand exactly how much it would help until now. Iv been doing lots of reading on it, and I think it will teach me alot about my body and my cycles!

I did not take the Clomid in December. Decided to give my body and our bank account a rest.
I have not made up my mind on wether or not im going to take the Clomid this month or not.

It was a wonderful holiday. I truly enjoyed seeing my family and friends. We returned to Wyoming on January 3rd, a little later than planned, due to flight delays. It was nice to be home for the holidays, but im ready to put my focus back where its needed. TTCing!!!

Todays is CD31, No sign of AF yet, maybe shes having a flight delay!

WE'RE TAKING A BREAK!!

2007-12-09T23:15:00.000-08:00

AF Showed her ugly face yesterday!

She didn't come alone either...she brought her friends "THE HORRID CRAMPS" with her!

So... I supposedly ovulated but still didn't get pregnant... GO FIGURE!

After 17 months on this rollercoaster, im starting to think it will never end! Im tired of the UPS and DOWNS...

We decided (well i decided and he agreed) to take a break...

I think im still gonna take the Clomid, but i am not going to chart or use and OPK or schedule our Babydancing! Im just going to focus on going home for the holidays, and seeing our family. My god son Jacob, who is getting so big!!! And Amys new baby boy, Braxton.... Im gonna try to enjoy her blessing, and not focus on the fact that i dont have one of my own.

Im also gonna focus on my new little "baby".... my puppy!

She is a Teacup Poodle! Shes so cute! Im hoping she will give me that responsibility im looking for. It will be nice to have someone to care for. Someone who needs me!

Sooo.... Today is CD 2 - TTC Month 17

CORRECTIONS....

2007-12-04T12:17:00.000-08:00

Ok some how i managed to get my Cycle days mixed up...
I wrote everything down wrong on my calender and even took my HPTs on the wrong days!
UHG!!!!!!!

Correction:
Dec 1st (HPT was taken-BFN) was CD26
Dec 4th (HPT was taken-BFN) was CD29
Soooo.... AF isn't due for another 3 days....

BIG FAT NEGATIVES....

2007-12-04T12:06:00.000-08:00

Well...

HPT on Dec 1st, CD 28 (5 days before missed period) was a BFN!
HPT on Dec 4th, CD31 (1 day before missed period) was a BFN!

No sign of Aunt Flow yet.... but im pretty sure shes coming to town...just running a little late!

Im excited to go home for the holidays! We leave on the 15th....That should help me keep my mind off of things!

DID I MENTION.....

2007-11-30T13:57:00.000-08:00

I HATE HATE HATE THE TWO WEEK WAIT!!!!!!!!!

IM GOING CRAZY HERE!!! I HAVE ZERO PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS......BUT THERES ALWAYS A CHANCE..RIGHT?!

MY OPK IS A LIAR!!!!

2007-11-27T14:16:00.000-08:00

My opk is a liar!!! It tricked me!!!

CD21- Went in for blood work to check my prohesterone levels.
CD22- My nurse called with the results... Progesterone levels were 12.5 ..... which means ....

I OVULATED!

So basically i am in the TWO WEEK WAIT!

I should know if i'm pregnant by DECEMBER 8th.

So PLEASE wish me lots of luck!!

Santa could be bringing me what i asked for!!!

DOWNHILL BATTLE!

2007-11-23T17:22:00.000-08:00

"I feel like im tumbling down a hill, crasping for the surface to stop, so i can climb up!"

TODAY IS CD18 - STILL NO OVULATION!!!

I'v been taking 100mg a day of these freaking crazy pills, and they dont even work!!! UHG!
Im frustrated, angry, annoyed, and disappointed...to a point of no return.

INFERTILITY SUCKS!! WHY WONT MY OVARIES WORK???

THE CRAZY PILLS AREN'T WORKING!!!

2007-11-21T14:20:00.000-08:00

Well it is now CD16 and STILL NO OVULATION! (according to my OPK anyway)
I don't know what to think. 100mg of The Crazy Pills (Clomid), and i'm still not ovuating???

WILL I EVER GET PREGNANT????????

CD 15 AND STILL NO OVULATION!

2007-11-20T19:21:00.000-08:00

There are pregnant women everywhere!!!
I think they are falling from the sky!
They are in the check out line at the grocery store.
They are at the resteraunts.
They are everywhere!!!!!!

Iv been feeling so hopefully lately! I know im alot less stressed than i was, so i thought that would help. And im on 100mg of Clomid now instead of 50mg, so i thought that would help.
BUT.....
Today is CD15 and STILL NO O DAY!!! I really feel like i should have Ovulated by now. I have an appointment for blood work on CD21 so i hope i will ovulate by then.

Amy's baby is coming anyday now. Im so happy for her, and so excited ill have another baby boy to love and spoil. But i can't help but be jelous. I feel like the only one left without a baby!

"FIRST COME LOVE, THEN COMES MARRIAGE,
NOW WHERE IS THE BABY IN THE BABY CARRIAGE??"

"OK! I'M FREAKING RELAXED, NOW WHERE'S MY BABY?"

2007-11-18T22:50:00.000-08:00

We moved hotels today. We are now in a much better place. I can't tell you how more relaxed i feel! (although the fire alarm went off, after us being here for less than 3 hours! Was just a small kitchen fire, but we had to evacuate for about an hour.) This is more like an apartment than a hotel. Jon says its nicer than our first apartment lol. We have a Living Room, Full Size Kitchen, and Seperate Bedroom and Bathroom....Internet is a bit slower, but i suppose u cant have it all right?! Anyways, Its our little "Home away from Home"!

Im content, and oddly enough im 10x less stressed than i have been in a long time. Im hopeful that i'm finally gonna see what a possitive HPT looks like!!
O im also happy because i did some christmas shopping today. :) Not a ton, just a little to get me started!

Quick Check List:

Find comfortable living arangements- CHECK
Allow Clomid to take over your mind- CHECK
Begin Christmas shopping- CHECK
New pair of shoes- CHECK
Minimize stress- CHECK
Babydance- CHECK CHECK CHECK

TODAY IS: CD 13...SCRATCH THAT! ITS NOW 12:01 HERE.....
TODAY IS: CD 14 PRAYING FOR A EGGIE ON MY OPK!

NOVEMBER CD11...

2007-11-16T14:36:00.000-08:00

Just a little update:

Today is CD11.

OPK has 2 bars...meaning im getting closer to O day!

I bought 2 HPT's today.

O day should be around the 15th.

Wish me luck!!!!!!

NO END IN SIGHT.....

2007-11-15T22:01:00.000-08:00

Well this is officially Month 16 of our Infertility Journey. To be honest i don't even remember when it went from "Trying to have a baby" to "Fighting Infertility". All i know is im tired. Tired of seeing negative HPT's. Tired of hearing "Are you pregnant yet?". Tired of people telling me to "Relax!". Im even tired of reading the success stories! Im ready to be a success story! Although this is true, I AM tired and worn out... IM NOT GIVING UP! My life will not be complete until Me and Jon have a child of our own. So i continue to mark my calender, and pee on a stick every morning hoping i'll see a little egg in the OPK. I continue to search for answers, and debate other options. I continue to learn the TTC language. Which by the way amazes me. I couldn't for the life of me pass Spanish in high school, but i'v got this "TTC Lingo" down pat!

Jon continues to amaze me throughout this process. He wants a baby very badley, this i know, yet he remains calm. He is never stressed about the situation. He gets frustrated with my TTC obsession, but not angry. He pays enough attention to not be tottally lost when i speak, but not enough attention to be considered a TTC Obsesser such as myself. Iv seen his personality grow so much through the years. I truly feel as if God is preparing us both to be parents. Mentally and Emotionally. I know God has a plan. I trust in him, i really do. I just wish it was a little easier. I pray not only for God to bless Me and Jon with a child, but also for the STRENGTH and COURAGE to continue on this path of becoming parents. So for now i wait. Awaiting Two Pink Lines!!

"CHOOO CHOOO! All aboard the crazy train!"

I'v decided to start talking to my ovaries. I give jons little spermies a pep talk everytime they start the race..i tell them to swim fast and ask for directions if they need it. But i realized today that the spermies aren't the problem. Its my ovaries not doing what they are suppose to and produce an egg that is the problem. So as of today i am talking to my ovaries. I promised them a pony if they behave. Say i'm Crazy, I'll say you bet! Say im insane, I'll say You know it! TTC STOLE MY SANITY!

With GOD nothing will be impossible Luke 1:37